Wednesday, August 24, 2005


emotions, the ups and downs of life, the different seasons, the faces that we see - all share a common thing - colours. Happiness is bright- yellow, red, orange, pink, blue and ... daubed on a canvas. Anger is fiery and red. Hatred is dark and black. occasionaly i find myself associating my emotions with colours. I remember the time i was at vineyard in chennai, listening to a local band performing alanis morissette on stage. was a little high and although the stage was colorful images painted on the wall, i could see everything in black and grey. i loved these dull shades that i saw. i hated colours that were bright and pleasant. the song and the kick... brought about a momentary change ... and i ... did revel in it. when i am lonely or lost, and am trying to understand things, myself and or people and situations around me, it is not darkness that i see but a blinding whiteness where i cant even see myself. white at other times would be in my mind if i think of purity, peace, doves and clouds. Black, when i am not high or blah, blah, blah is something that comes to my mind when i see or feel or do something evil. there are times i feel a hollow blackness inside me which makes my skin crawl cus i feel it within me. its creepy. Red has depth. it is anger, passion and hatred. it is like screaming from within or a lion's roar echoing in the wild. it is power. blue is calm, peace, depth ( as in the sky and the sea), rich and beauty. pink is innocent, blushing cheeks, children and pretty women. Yellow is the face of the almighty. yellow is gold. purple is sick. i have all these colours within me. right now i am calm and peaceful and i can explore the depth within me. i am blue.

Winter of 1999 - Sonam Deki and I would lay on our back, on a hillside, for hours staring into the sky, looking at the clouds and building castles in the clouds. We would stay there romanticising the beauty of the sky. The clouds taking different shapes, some of which were shapes that we could associate with. We would just let the depth and vastness of the sky engulf us in its calmness.

It was a daily routine for some days, maybe a week, that the two of us happily followed. Ir was done on the pretense of studying (for ISC). We would carry our books along with mats, tea and biscuits and make our way up a hill, leaving behind a few barkle houses, stopping a few metres after the last one. We would spread out mats near a cluster of prayer flags, spread our books, pour tea, munch on the snack and lay back and forever gaze into the blue vastness dotted by numerous cloud. Time would pass us by, the beauty having cast a spell on us. The gentle evening wind would remind us of the winter chill and as the sun set behind the hill on which we lay, we would slowly make our way down. Tomorrow would be another beautiful day.

There is nothing like staring into the skies- in the morning, during day time or at night. Its always beautiful and always has something for me. There is nothing like the feeling that you get; the feeling of being weightless, floating among the clouds, among the stars while the sky cocoon me in its blue or black blanket.

This particular experience I had with sonam is something I will never forget. it is the manifestation of happiness, calm and peace. such moments brings out all the positive aspects of life, and at times when anger, dissapointment and hatred almost overwhelms me, turning to moments like these lifts my spirit.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


it is a wonder how a year can get over so fast. just checked in today and noticed that the last time i posted was the same day last year. have been writing. have been growing. nothing stands still and i can feel the acute insufficiency of time. things that need to be done gets second priority and are often dismissed. hanging out with frens, playing snooker, bar hopping, talking about love, relationship, work and some crude jokes in between are ordeals that i willingly go through everyday. Home gets clubbed in with the second priority list and more than often guilt creeps in. i should quit being selfish.